2002-02-21

You've told me time and time again
That I don't understand that pain
That pain you go through every 28 days
You think of it as the price
You pay for being a woman
But if I told you of the thousand times
That I've laid my hands upon
The stomach of a woman
And took her pain into me
Felt that buzzsaw going off in my guts
Just to give her enough temporary relief
So that her medication could kick in
You would probably think I was lying to you
Maybe ultimately you're right
Maybe I can never really know your pain
Perhaps all I really did
Was to trick her mind into
A little bit of relief
Allowing for endorphanes to take care of
What I thought I was doing
And maybe even that belief that I triggered in her
Was strong enough to only cast
A shadow of pain into my abdomen
Until it felt like there
Was someone lose in my lower intestines with
A pair of diasho
But no real idea of how to control the swords
Or perhaps like a badger crawled up
Inside of me and decided to claw his way out
If all of this was mearly a
Sympathetic reaction to seeing the one you love in pain
Then I don't want to know what the real thing is like
Sure
The whole gall bladder thing hurt a lot more
The doctor even compared the pain to labor pains
But it was a different kind
Then taking (or believing I was taking)
Her curse into myself for a time
That was much sharper
Kind of like being stabbed
But not quite
(I've been stabbed in the shoulder twice
If you really need my credentials for saying this)
It's a little more like tearing
Or what I imagine it must feel like
For a knife to twist inside you gut
After the initial stabbing
(Fortunatly, I have yet to experiance that sensation myself)
If this wasn't enough
Then perhaps I truely wasn't
Ment to understand it
Perhaps that's why I was born with the body I have
And not yours
And if it is
Truely worse then I have thought I felt
Then I thank the creator
That this time around I was born male

~Matt Magus

p.s. I think this is a bit too misogynistic for my liking. But I suppose if you start with crap, you end up with crap (that's a dig on me, not on the subject matter). What I mean here is, well, I really fucking hate to admit this, but I suppose I'm a bit misogynistic myself. It's a problem I've been trying to correct in myself for many years, and as much as I would like to blame it on my upbringing, well, that's just not a good enough excuse for that part of me that is such a blatent asshole. I know that most of the time you people don't get to see that side of me, but it's there nonetheless. I've quite struggled with being a bit of a sexist my entire life, and every now and again it still slips through. It's not right, and sometimes I really want to kick the crap out of myself for it. Despite what some people might think though, I'm not usually like that, but it's there under the surface anyway. Every now and again it will come to the surface, especially when I've drank too much (another reason for moderation, as if I didn't have enough all ready), or when I'm not on guard against it (such as one of those "with the boys" converstations), those are the times when it really affects me the most. It seems that no matter how romantic and understanding I try to be, there's this fucked-up asshole just dying to get out and put in his two cents worth. I'm sorry....I'll subject you to my self-esteem issues some other time, thanks...~MM

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