2001-11-06

I love the imaginary conversations I sometimes have going on in my head. I tend to come up with some of the funniest stuff that I can only hope someday I'll have the opportunity to say to someone. The only problem is, the scenarios I choose to set these conversations in are always highly improbable. Ah, but 10,000 monkeys and 10,000 typewriters, eh? I had so many of these things that one of them is certain to happen. I almost love this sort of thing as much as I enjoy it when the voices from my past all seem to say key phrases from memories in my head, they usually don't seem to have any sort of connection at first, so it takes me a while to figure out how those thoughts converged in that way. Or perhaps I've just told all of you way much more than you needed to know and now you're going to think I'm all crazy and such (hearing voices in my head and all). Well, if you think I am, then you aren't the only ones, I've doubted my sanity more times than most of you smile. I've learned however, that if I am nuts, most people don't really notice. Or if they do, they don't really seem to care. After all, everybody is at least a little fucked up. At least I'll admit I might be a bit off the deep end, to be cliched. Anyway, now my thoughts are all scattered again and it's time to go outside, have a cigarette, and collect them all in a butterfly net of reflection. Sorry. I couldn't help myself, I had to have some sort of screwed up imagry.

a few minutes later

---------------------------------

I've trod so many paths in this life
That I wasn't sure if I'd ever
Find my way here again
Looking back I can see
The progress I've made
And the crippling injuries
That I've conquered
Those memories whose warmth could
Melt the polar ice caps
And the gross errors in judgement
That could make me look
Grotesque to anyone who can see
Karmic debts
But now standing here
On this odd plateau
Made from both experience
And knowledge
What I can see most clearly
Are the things I knew when younger
But that villainous cynicism has helped me forget
When you combine it with a little
Liquid lonliness
It creates a amnestic drug
That is almost impossible to resist
Because it's very selective with what
It makes you forget
It only makes you forget
Those virtues that make a true romantic
The little things that a lover
Appreciates
And the knowledge that love
Should build until it is more than
A boiling sensation in your blood
More than just the persistence
Of your mind to focus on your love
And much more than the simple
Needs of the flesh
It should wrap itself around you
Like the glory of the creator
And your need should be as great
As mans eternal search for that entity
And you flesh should burn
With a fury that shames hell
Not for the touch of your love
But for the lack thereof
And should continue as such
Until the mere act of holding each others hand
Would become as soothing
As rain after weeks
In the desert sun
These are the things
I had forgotten
And have been often
Too impatient
To try to remember
And I am ashamed of it

~MattMagus

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