2001-06-12

This is one of those days when synchronicity seems to conspire against me. Everywhere I look great romances form in the air and play themselves out in front of me, while I sit here, an idiot to the ways of love. I try to remind myself to be happy with the memories I have of it, but they are small comfort tonight. Many people I know throw themselves into doomed relationships just to avoid this ravaging emptiness that seems to come with being alone for great amounts of time. I often wonder if they are right to do so. I wonder if I could in fact be the type of person to fumble about with random relationships that I cannot give my full attention to because my heart has not healed. I don't think I can, not these days. For a while I saw my willfull loneliness as a noble quest to keep from hurting someone else, as I've done before. I know now that this is simply bullshit.I have realized that the reason I continue on this solitary track is because I have to, and that I couldn't stop it now if I wanted to. I'm too insecure, too shy, and too clueless to enter anything more than a basic friendship. This revelation is ripping me apart. This solitude is tearing at my insides, and I'm helpless to stop it. I'm going to run off and staple my hand to my forehead now. Good night.

~MattMagus

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