2002-03-08

Here is a conversation I just had with one of the people I'm linked to. She rather helped me to understand a few things.

RavieSlave:good ... err ... morning. I'm looking for cigarettes. Hang on.
Mdmagus:'k
RavieSlave:okay.
Mdmagus:cool, how are you this morning?
RavieSlave:My contacts are blurry, therefore making reading difficult. Very. Difficult.
Mdmagus: damn, that sucks a lot...
RavieSlave:Nothing that can't be surmounted.
RavieSlave:How are you doing?
Mdmagus:fair, I suppose, at this point it's rather hard to tell
RavieSlave: How do you mean?
Mdmagus:Well, I'm sort of stuck in this horrid rut, and trying to contain my jealousy of the things that have been going on around me during the last 48 hours...but I fortunately got most of it out of my system when I wrote my last entry
RavieSlave:what sort of jealousy?
Mdmagus:Well, my ex has found someone new, sort of, and that's...kind of getting to me, even though I think it's a good thing, the selfish part of me doesn't seem to care what my rational mind thinks...and another person I had been interested in for a while might have a relationship brewing with a really nice guy, and I'm jealouse of that, not the fact that it's him and her so much, just the relationship in general thing
RavieSlave:So you're jealous you don't have a relationship? Or am I reading too much into that.
Mdmagus:sort of...but the thing that gets me the most is the ex thing, the rest just sort of saddens me because I choose to be alone when everyone else is enjoying something romantic...I think...I really don't know specifically why the thing with my ex bothers me so much though...and I feel highly guilty for feeling all of the above
RavieSlave:how did your relationship end with your ex?Mdmagus:um, well, she left me for someone else, but our relationship had been falling apart for months before that happened
RavieSlave:Well, there you go. There specifically is probably why the thing with your ex bothers you.
Mdmagus:hmm...maybe
Mdmagus:I'm sorry, I really didn't IM you to burdon you with all my angsty-crap....
RavieSlave:How was the relationship falling apart months before that happened? Who was changing? Was she pulling away, or ..?
Mdmagus:there were a lot of things, honestly I don't think we were ment for each other...so it was a sort of mutual pulling away, and we kept having fights that didn't resolve anything, and at the end I was working so much that I didn't have enough time for her...
RavieSlave:This sounds dangerously like my previous relationship.
RavieSlave:Dangerously.
RavieSlave:although it wasn't a mutual pulling away.
Mdmagus:It was quite sad actually, you see, most of the time I was working 10-12 hours a day, six days a week, in a job I hated (which only added stress to an already volitile relationship) and so even when we did get to spend time together I was always unbelievably tired. The saddest part of that whole deal, was that I refused to leave that job because I wanted to make her proud of me.
RavieSlave:Although I don't really know about that part.
RavieSlave:Now I'm projecting.
RavieSlave:Well, there you go. It was a no-win situation.
Mdmagus:And in a way, to my discredit, I often overcompensated with her because I was trying to make up for "past sins" you might say...
RavieSlave:And now she's found happiness with someone else, and you still have these feelings you can't abandon. Or maybe it's not happiness she's found, but, something, and you still feel like you've failed, hence jealousy?
RavieSlave:jealousy because you tried so hard to please her and yet it never worked, and here someone else can please her? Stop me if I'm rambling or, well, adding fuel to the fire.
Mdmagus:quite possibly, also for the most part, I'm not saying that the "wanting to make her proud of me" thing was in any way her fault, that was ALL me. And yes, that quite is quite possible, or at least that could be the scenerio my subconscious is playing out...
RavieSlave:There's one thing I'm trying to teach myself as of late.
Mdmagus:You know, I'm going to have to put this whole conversation as my next diary entry...
RavieSlave:Are you?
Mdmagus:Because whether you are correct or not (and I think you might just be), it certainly does make me feel a bit better to hear this, and is a route I can attempt to try to get over this crap...yeah, probably
RavieSlave:That goes back to the point I was about to make, or not necessarily a point per se, but:
RavieSlave:I've been trying to teach myself lately how to let go. By doing that, I can concentrate on who I actually am, which is still up in the air at this point. However, I'm trying to teach myself this mental stability thing which can allow me to let things go.
Mdmagus:yeah, I can understand that....
Mdmagus:ultimately a lot of nice shoes I have to get over myself
RavieSlave:Not to say it isn't fucking difficult as hell, however.
RavieSlave:heh. shoes.
Mdmagus:sorry, that's a code phrase that my friends and I like to use. Whenever someone says the word "issues", one of us always say, "yes, I do have nice shoes. Thank you very much"
RavieSlave:wow, that's astoundingly queer. Thanks for sharing, though. ;)

0 comments so far

<<< | >>> | Random