2002-02-27

First off, I recieved this in my e-mail today (in my hotmail acct no less). It brightened up my whole f'n day. For most of the day I had thought that Jen had sent it to me, but she just confirmed a little while ago that it wasn't her. Now I'm totally confused, but still loving the fact that I recieved it (in fact it made me do a little silly happy dance earlier, just thinking about it). What confuses me is the "even if I don't show it all the time" part, especially since it didn't come from Jen. I might never find out who sent it to me (and probably lose a lot of sleep trying to figure it out), but I really am happy that someone cared enough to send it to me. It's little things like this that make Matt a very happy man.

Wow. It just occured to me that I've never really had a real "secret admirer" before, at least if I had they never took the time or didn't have the guts to send me something like this. Now as you all know, (at least any of you who've been reading this page for more than a month) I'm all about loving people from afar. Being the object of once distant affection however, just confuses me. I look at myself in the mirror every day, and I've never seen an attractive quality in me at all, so there's that. And then there's the fact that I'm horribly shy, to the point that I become frozen the first time anyone makes a pass at me, and it makes me seem standofish. I'm not always this way of course, in fact I can think of a few instances in which I actually managed to be charming, but for the most part I just look goofy when trying. The point of all this is, if there is one really, that if this person were to keep up this "secret admirer" buisiness for just a little while it would definately get me hooked, but don't wait too long to reveal yourself, however you might be. The anticipation might be the end of me. I really could try guessing who it is, but I almost always guess wrong about this sort of thing. Anyway, I think that's quite enough of my rambling. Here's an attempt at some poetry:

-------------------------------------------

You still can take my breath away
Even from across a crowded park
Or in the parking lot of Wal-mart
Whever I see you
I feel like a sledgehammer just hit me in the chest
Stealing the air from my lungs with a glance
And I'm stunned
Unable to do anything but stare transfixed
Like that look on an animal
Right before it knows it's going to die
All thought is halted
Almost like a true Eastern meditation
But more violent
No real peace
Because it knows I can't have you
And I feel this pop
Inside my subconscious
As if it were trying to give CPR
To the rest of my mind
And then the fear
That maybe you'ld seen me too kicks in
And I feel guilty for even
Being in your presence
And I know that you wouldn't
Understand my presence
I know that you are familiar with Synchronicity
But you probably wouldn't accept that as an answer
Even if I told you that I
Had just been wondering how you are
I get curious like that sometimes
Even though I probably don't
Want to know the answer
Because either way it goes,
I hurt
If you told me that you were miserable
Oh
I would rather have the sting
Of ten-thousand scorpions assualt me
Then to ever hear that from your lips
And if you told me
That you were insanely happy?
Then that hollowed out pain would start
Right in the solar plexus
And it would spead like a cancer
Through the entirety of me
Not just in one of those
Layers of bodies that as a Qaballist
I know I have
Perhaps it would go away with time
But I rather doubt it
Because I can still feel the pains of our parting
Old wounds that never really go away
They like to cause phantom aches
Every once and a while
But even when they aren't acting up
I can still feel them

~Matt Magus

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