2001-05-18

It's odd how television, of all things, can show you yourself in a way that you hadn't thought of before. Thank god for "Frasier". Tonight was the episode in which Niles finds out that Maurice has been cheating on him with their marriage counciler. I remember seeing this one before, but it wasn't as powerful to me as it was tonight. That's probably because the last time I saw it I was happpy in love with Jen. The part at the end when Niles realizes that it's finally really over really touched a nerve with me. Which is a credit to that man's acting, very few actors can portray such a painful emotion in a way that actually gets under my skin. It actually took a little effort to keep from crying, which is something that not even "Grave of he Fireflies" can usually do.

The episode ends with all three Crane boys talking about how pathetic they are in thier love lives. This reminds me of myself and Raymond during those times when it's just the two of us drinking and feeling sorry for ourselves. Then comes the next part in the ritual, where you scream to the world around you that you're single and nuts. Then the next day you curse yourself for being so sensitive and pathetic. For a brief moment I always wonder what it would be like if I were one of "those" guys. You know the kind I'm talking about. Walking embodiements of testosterone, filled with confidence and not really caring about anyone else. In all but a few cases I've met, it's usually because they are too stupid to know better. I wonder if I could be happy like that, for just a brief second. Then I look around and see the parades of people I know who have been hurt by guys like this, and I'm glad that I'm not like that. I will gladly keep my loneliness as opposed to leaving a battlefield of broken hearts in my wake. I have enough romantic debts that can never be paid, and to this day I still feel guilty for the ones I left behind over childish stubborness. I leave you with that thought tonight, it's very draining to think of these things.

~MattMagus

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