2006-07-20

This is one of those nights
When lonliness hits you like a brick in the gut
And now I sound like a movie detective
From the 40's
she asked me once
How I manage to stay alone
And why I can't do
The one night stand thing
Just to occupy my mind
I told her
It's because I refuse to settle
And because one night is never enough
But there's something else too
Something I didn't mention
You see
Unless I'm placed in the right situation
I'm more shy then a fugitive from justice
To whom every person they meet
Could be a cop
I am usually unable to make the leap
Into group conversations
Because I like to listen
To what others might have to say
And I have a hard time
Approaching anyone
For the first time
Once I'm able to get over that hump
I'm pretty good at one-on-one conversations
And from then on I can
Get over my fears and just be me
For all that that's worth
But until then
I float around in a nebula of self-doubt
And can't even ask someone I admire
If they want to have coffee and talk sometime
And there's this whole stupid new dating vocabulary that
I don't pretend to understand at all
I also don't want
To make a show of myself
Because eventually the truth
Will rule out anyway
And I'd rather be upfront about who I am
It's easier that way
And you don't have people
Falling in love with phantasm fantasies
~M

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