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Wow, meds that aren't supposed to do much are fu**ing me up

2003-08-18

Well, I've had an interesting weekend. Friday, I was slated to hang out with two friends from high school, Heather and Josh. I won't bother explaining much about them, as I've already covered a fair description of both of these people in individual poems and the like here on d-land. Sufficive to say, Josh is in the air force, and propably plans on staying there for life. Not that this is a bad thing, for him. He is one of the few people who I can genuinely see being a lifelong military officer. Right now he is being stationed in Utah, which is probably going to be pretty hard on his wife, who is pregnant with thier first child. Thier childs name will be Shintoro Maximus Young, now, I'm all for giving the kid that first name considering his Japanese heratage and all (Josh's wife is Japanese), but the middle name rings of playground torture. Oh, well, at least it's not as bad as some people I know (Shadow Aliester Deckland-Thomas Richardson-Tidmore, I shit you not)

Heather was once the finest actress who ever strode across a stage, and this isn't just personal bias talking, other people who have seen her on stage independently of me tend to agree. Unfortunately, a lot has come between her and her natural gift, including her temper and off-again on-again marriage, which may be off for good this time. Now, mind you, I used to have a crush on her. Later on I realized that it was more of a hormonal thing, mixed with the kindness of friendship that made me feel that way, and in fact I realized that it was mearly a physical attraction and not much more. (she does, however, have an excellent physique) At any rate, I am appearantly digressing into an area best left alone. For the most part, Heather became, despite the crush, my best friend for years. Even more so after I got over it. We would talk for hours about lots of things. Well, ok, mostly she would talk and I would listen, but usually that's what I'm best at, listening. Every now and then I would go on a brief tirade about something, and then continue to let her do most of the talking. This hasn't really changed all that much to this day, except that now she notices my silence more, and it makes me laugh inwardly. (more like a giggle, but let's not split hairs here).

After I got done showing the two of them my new apt, (and thinking "My God! Josh's hair is nothing but grey now), I had a party to attend. It was Rayn's birthday, and I wasn't about to miss out on it. There were all kinds of people there, some who I knew, and a lot who I didn't. There was sometimes good music, always good company, and I got to babysit a drunk girl and make sure she got home ok. For those of you who don't know, I'm usually Designated Driver, and all around Watchdog at parties these day, because I no longer drink. This is also a way to make up for some of the things in my past, as it were. No amount of good deeds will wash away all of my sins, but I figure I'd better start doing some good with the life I have, or I will have left this world in a worse state then I came into it in, and that would be an unbearable amount of guilt to take with me. (no, for those of you who read too much into what I say, I'm in no way dying, at least, not that I know of, other then in the usual way) It was a damn fun party, and most everyone got really hammered, even Lynda was looking at me like I might be somewhat attractive, so you know she was REALLY gone. At any rate, there was no drama, trama, or other b.s. to be had, so it was a very good and successful party. The most disturbing thing that happened was Rayne's Mom and stepfather making out in the living room, but that only seemed to disturb Jen-Jen, so it was left alone.

Saturday, I of course worked, and while I was at work I recieved a call from Aslinn, reminding me of the get together for Sid's birthday party, and that most everyone was at the Dog (which is a local strip-joint that only serves beer, so I always avoid it like the plauge, I don't drink anymore as it is, and when I have occasion to have the one drink I limit myself to on special occasions, I have no time for the watered-down horsepiss that most people call beer). At any rate, Aslin was calling to ask if I would be the Designated Driver for the girls, who were hanging out at Aslinn, Raymond, Alissa, and Matt Keepers' new place. Of course, I agreed. "The girls" consisted of Marissa, Aslinn, and Brandi, who were all pretty drunk by the time I got there, so it was babysitting drunk people time again. Contrary to the way I might sound, I kind of enjoy babysitting drunk people, mostly because I feel like I'm doing something important and almost paternal when I do. Remy and Micha (pronounced Mi-KA, and male, as opposed to my ex from a long time ago, who prounounced her name phonetically Mi-CHA) showed up, supposedly at Rhyno's prompting, although Raymond says later that no such thing occured. At any rate, they were mostly pleasant company, so I didn't mind that much, and it gave Brandi someone else to flirt with, the only problem is that the boys, not really knowing her all that well, didn't realize that her flirting is mostly ment harmlessly. Fortunately nothing really progressed to the point of stupidity, and I got to tell one of them that she is normally very flirtatious anyway, so I think that helped them get a handle on the situation. Turns out that both guys propositioned Marissa independantly though, and she turned them both down! This makes me smile, because I'll be damned, despite all that's going on with her right now, she still has the willpower to turn two guys down, even being a little on the drunk side. Now that's pretty f'n cool if you ask me.

There's only a couple of things that bothered me about the night so far as I've mentioned. The first, and the one which bothers me the most is when the girls started talking about finding me a girlfriend.

Now origionally I wasn't planning on ranting too much in this entry, but I find myself in a position where I can do nothing else. I have to get this all out of me so that it can quit bothering me and I can move on to other things. This rant may be more then certain people care to hear, but it doesn't matter, you ARE reading MY DIARY afterall, you should expect me to be as honest as I can be (as my humanity will allow me to be). Marissa said something that really disturbed me, on a whole long list of levels that I'm now going to have to explain. I was trying to dismiss the girls by saying that the have no idea what I like in women. Marissa countered this with "Sure I do, she's my best friend". Of course, I concieded a little on this point, but in my head only in part, and I'll explain the meaning of this a little later on. Then she said the thing that disturbed me the most. She said, "I can find you an Emmy that puts out". Now I'm a little pissed at this statement and I started to say something about it, but thought that discretion would be better at that point. Allowing yourself to become highly emotionally vulnerable is not a good thing when babysitting drunks.

The first way that this statement bothers me is that is sounds like she thinks that, if I dated Emmy (by some strange miracle!), I would expect sexual relations of some sort. This is not the case. Emmy would not be the first person I ever dated who did not want to have sex, in fact one of my earliest relationships was such that she wouldn't allow me to french kiss or kiss her on the neck. I was fine with it then, and I'm pretty sure I could handle it now. After all, there is always my hand to take care of such problems, to put it in the most blunt matter possible (sadly there is no other way to go about it, unless I started talking about child sacrifice, but that could be misconstrued as something much more heinous, simply calling it like it is, is so much easier). One must remember also, that I wouldn't be getting any less sex then I'm currently getting, and I don't mind all that much now! The only change between that highly improbable scenario and the way things are would be that I would be getting to see more of, and recieving some affection from, Emily. How could I not be thrilled with this arrangement! I've only had feelings for her for damn near 6 years, do you honestly think, that if I had a chance with her, I would ruin it by pressuring her for sex? You've got to be f'n kidding me.

The second thing that pisses me off about this statement is that she thinks I would accept some sort of subtitute-Emmy-clone type thing. Sure someone would have to have certain things in common with Emmy for me to think of them the way I think of her, but someone almost exactly the same, that would just be creepy. Even worse, it would be settling, and in my mind, even on a subconcious level, I would be constantly comparing the two, with the new one always coming up short, not through any fault of her own, but because she would seem to me to be just an imitation of Emily. It wouldn't be fair to that person, and it ultimately wouldn't be fair to myself to enter into a relationship with someone like that. Every woman I've ever cared for has been unique from the others, divinity in thier own rights, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Another problem, the one I said I would explain earlier, is that while Marissa knows Emily, and she knows a thing or two about me (although it would seem not as much as she thinks after making a statement like this!), she does not know what I see in Emily. This is very important, and since most of it is (I think) on a subconcious level, I'm not even fully aware of it. This is one of the reasons I write so many poems about individuals who I have a thing for. Whenever something comes to my attention that I find attractive about a person, I make a mental note on it and include it in the next poem about that I write about them. So how could Marissa, without knowing exactly what in Emmy makes me feel that way about her, ever hope to find me someone who I could find equally as attractive.

Now I would like to say something directly to Emily, who I know reads this damnable thing every now and again. This little rant I just went on was more about the statement Marissa made that upset me then about you. I accept totally the fact that you do not feel the same way about me that I feel about you, in fact, I don't even mind really. The only time I get all stupid about it is when I start to feeling a bit lonely because my head is working a little too hard. Sometimes I convince myself otherwise, but really, love isn't about having your affection returned, it's about giving your emotions to someone without the want or need of reciprocation. However you choose to express the love is one thing, but to those that you feel it for, love should be given freely and without expectation. This is not about sex, this is about emotion, which runs a hell of a lot deeper then even the most sensitive of nerve endings.

To get off of this tangent, I will now talk about Sunday. I didn't really do much, in the tradition of my days off, I woke up feeling sick. It seems I have a head cold. I went to see Freddy vs. Jason, which was good, even though I missed the first 15 min of it. I suppose I'll have to go see it again this Wed (any volunteers to go with me?). Then despite my better judgement, I went to Dingy's and talked with Matt Keepers, Alissa, Marissa, Brasheers and the girl he had his arm around (She hasn't been around long enough for me to remember a name yet). I read a book the rest of the night, and just before I went to sleep, I got to thinking about something. I've been thinking about balance a lot lately, and in Wiccan rituals, wouldn't it make more sense for the High Priest to call on the Goddess, and the High Priestess to call on the God, to balance thier own individual natures? Wouldn't this individual balance strengthen the rituals, rather then the unbalance of two unwhole individuals? I know that they are there to balance each other, but if there were balance in themselves, wouldn't things go smoother?

I apologize now for the partial incoherance of this entry, and the over-use of the word "balance" when I'm sure I could have come up with at least a couple of synonyms. Unfortunately, however, I'm on some medication that is not supposed to make you loopy, but is doing it anyway. Perhaps I have some allegy to Dayquill? At any rate, It's very difficult to concentrate on anything. Work today as been an interesting experiance because of this. I'd better stop now, before I get to typing nonsense.

~Matt Magus

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