Ok, well I couldn't get both of these damn poems I wrote last night transcipted, mainly because this first one is just too damn long. I don't think I'll post the other one anyway, maybe I'll make it a Microscopic Laundry Episodes exclusive-type thing. For those of you just tuning in or who don't know me very well, that is going to be the title of my second book, which will be a collection that contains all the poems I still have concerning the particular relationship you'll be reading about in a moment.
Thanks to those of you who have clicked on the banner ads, although I really ment it when I said I was trying to get rid of them before the yearly subscription came up. I will very shortly looking through the diaries of those of you who have left comments and guestbook entries, as I'm always looking for people to add to my favorites list. It gives me something to do during slow periods at work.
Before I print this massive poem, I have to introduce it. It was written from the point of view of myself, seven or eight years ago, when said relationship was ending, and it contain a lot of things that I wish I had the capacity to say to her at the time. The title is because of how whiney the damn thing is, but I guess that goes without saying. At any rate, here it is:
When I loved you
I thought our passion could start the Apokolypse
But now
The only thing that's ending
Is us
And it doesn't really matter
Who's right or wrong anymore
So long as we get our anger out
And it also doesn't matter
What we are really angry at
We take it out on each other nonetheless
Heck;
I don't think we know
What we're angry about these days
We just fight,
And fight
And fight
Until there's nothing left of either of us
We tear each other apart
Night after night
My parent's have been married
At least thirty-two years
But they should have divorced
Two years into it
But both are too stubborn
To unwilling to see the truth
Blinded by something
That doesn't even exist in their relationship
But they've fooled themselves
Into believing it is
I don't want us
To be like that
I don't want us
To torture ourselves
For the sake of something
That died long ago
If it was ever really there
I don't want YOU
To be as miserable
As either of them are
Because you THINK
You have to be with me
Because you never realized
That you didn't love me anymore
That you didn't need me
Ever
You never needed me
You may have thought you did
Fooled yourself into believing you did
But no one
Really needs anyone
But the combination of love
And our own self-created inadequacies
Makes us believe we do
But we don't
You most certainly do not
You are now
And have always been
Perfection
On your own terms
You need no one to complete you
The truth is
I thought I needed you too
I just don't think that
Either of us are mature enough
To handle this relationship
Especially not me
Look at the things I've done
Look at the things
I've made you do
Is that love?
I know the way I feel is love
But those things
Are just the selfishness
Of a lower mind
One that isn't ready to handle
What I feel
What I've felt for you since the begining
When I first saw you across ther aisle
Between the booths at the flea market
You were so beautiful,
At that very moment
You were a radiating reflection of the
Deity within you
If I could just snapshot that
In my mind forever
I don't think I'd ever need anything else
Just that one moment
Of perfection
Seeing you out of the corner of my eye
Then slowly turning my head to catch the full view
You were unlike anytyhing
That I'd ever seen before
I don't think I'll ever see it again
If I could go back in time
Even a year
I don't know if I could save us
If I could freeze moments of our relationship
Then maybe we would have a chance
The first year
Maybe the first year and a half
At most
If I could freeze us right then
We could perhaps have been happy
But time does not crystalize easily
And people are only static after death
You and I
Realized at last
How vast our differences are
I don't think
We can handle them
They're breaking us apart
And I wonder
All of the time
Why our differences
Make us so angry at one another
When they are only ideas
Not even that really
More like
The thought of ideas
The most painful memory I have
Is when one day
We had another of our arguments
And you ran off into
The other room
As often did
When we fought
And you locked the door
Yelling at me not to come in
That I hated you
You were so frightened and angry
And hurt
I could hear you crying and screaming
And I didn't think I could
Take hearing that
I went out to the living room
To hopefully catch my breath
And my thoughts
I'll be damned if on the tv
It wasn't U2's "One"
Playing on VH1
And I cried
Like never before
Like every sob was
The torment of the world
Coming out of me
Every tear
Was the composite
Thousands of sorrows at once
I don't know if you can relate
But that's the way it was for me
~Matt Magus
