Most of the time
It seems like the only time no one believes me
Is when I'm telling them the truth
Like when I tried to tell her
That one of the main goals
Of a True Meditation
Is to shut the conscious thought process off
So that one may listen to the subconscious
With the same awareness that only comes with being awake
She told me that the goal was impossible
And I reminded her that there is no such thing
So I've learned to keep my mouth shut
About really important shit
Except when I'm on the microphone
Because at least there
If no one listens to me
Well
I don't really care all that much
After all
I was never really here for the audience
I have always been here more for the poets
And I get on this stage because I have to
Because if I don't let the Beast inside me out
Every once in a while
It will force it's way out
At really bad moments
This has happened too many times
In too many ways
And too many people
Have gotten hurt in the process
Most of you
Have thought I was harmless
Until you caught a glimpse
Of this horrible thing inside me
And while in every case
This crap could have gotten much worse
I have to ask
How bad does it have to get
Before drastic action has to be taken
To stop it?
Now I'm not talking about
What you are probably think I am
But if all else fails
I will do whatever it takes
I know that the rest of you
Often wondered what this
Self-hatred that cuts through
Everything I say like a tornado is all about
You wonder why there is so much guilt
Under the suface of everything I do
That a Catholic would be jealous
But you haven't seen IT yet
No
I'm not talking about the Stephen King mini-series
I'm talking about that evil thing that
Wallows inside of all of us
Mine just seems to be
Way too close to the surface
And that's why I try to keep
Most of you at a safe distance
I don't want to hurt anyone else
The pain from what has happened before
Is already almost too much to bear
This is why I have dedicated
So many of these
Puzzle-pieces of me
To one person
And the pain is why
I can't go any further into this
~Matt Magus
