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Here we go again...

2003-07-03

Thanks Michelle, I actually play the "What-If" game in my head a lot too. I was doing it a lot over the last couple of days, because an ex-girlfiend of mine came up from Huston, and in my mind I was trying to see what would have happened to us is circumstances hadn't caused our break-up. As hard as I tried I couldn't see anything good happen without me becoming someone completely different then the person I am, thus we have the last entry. Truth is, as much as the ending of my relationship with Miranda (the girl from Huston, who I dated in high school), Micha, Jen-Jen, and all of the rest all hurt like hell, and I'm still healing from some of it, all of the break-ups were necessary for me to become who I am today. If Jen and I hadn't broken up I would still be in Vegas and miserable, because I would be working at a job that I am no good at, and wouldn't even have a place like Galileo to vent my feelings at, nor would my poetry have gotten any better because I would have been even more lazy about it then I am if I didn't have a weekly venue for it. If Micha and I hadn't broken up I would have stayed in a stagnant place where I wasn't improving in any way shape or form, nor would I have had the guilt necessary to try to make myself a better person (not that this has improved as much as I would like, but now I refuse to give up). Heck, as much as I hate to admit it, it may even be a good thing that my feelings for Emily are not mutual, because as a result I feel like I have to do something further to improve myself (not for her sake, but perhaps I'm the future I might meet someone similar, or at least that's what I've been telling myself), and thus I've begain trying to get myself in better shape, and who knows what other good things may spring from this, despite the relatively little pain that always accompanies a sense of rejection.

Perspective of the day:our experiances help to shape us into who we are, and continue to help us in our personal evolutions. If we let them, all of our negative experiances can fuel us to become more then we were previously, or we can let them defeat us. I choose the first option, how about you?
~Matt Magus

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