2003-11-24

There is a new role I've been given, and I wonder if it superceeds the one we're both used to, or if perhaps the two can co-exist. That's what I'm hoping for, but it may be too much. I wish I could talk to you about it, and establish the parameters. Maybe we could talk strategy for a little while, but I don't think you would give me that sort of consession. I suppose I have to play it by ear, but I keep wondering if maybe I screwed up somewhere. I wouldn't doubt it. Seems I mess up all the time when it comes to you.

The hardest part is the doubting. Doubting that I can be exactly what you need me to be, nothing more and nothing less. I know that any deviation from the proper course could be disasterous for everything we've built as friends, but I'm more then willing to take that chance in order to give you whatever you need to get to a place where you can be happy.

For some reason, I feel like I've messed up already, but I don't know exactly how, and it's bothering me. Perhaps I care too much, and that will be the undoing of everything, but I can't help that, it's part of my nature, and you wouldn't have anything to do with me otherwise.

In another, very real way, I understand that none of this matters, these are just sprits that have been conjured by my overactive reasoning faculties which are taunting me. When it comes down to it, I know I can play this part, or any other you wish me to perform. I can do everything by doing nothing more then you need me to do, and for the most part keeping my trap shut about anything else. All the rest is just bullshit that keeps trying to make things needlessly complicated, and this is so simple that it makes me laugh deeply when I think about it. One of those laughs that seems to scare the little girls at Dingy's despite the fact that there is no maliciousness behind it most of the time. At least, there's none until I notice someone getting uncomfortable, and then there's all the malice in the world in that laugh. (Secretly they like that laugh. They like to be scared by it. They'll never admit it, but that's ok. For the most part, I'll keep thier secret with a smile. Oops, I've gotten off subject, haven't I?) Simple, let's try to keep it that way...

~M

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